You treat me like fucking shit. For all the times you told me I was piece of shit, lied to me, slept with other people behind my back, tell me i’m fake, and get mad because of the things I do that don’t even involve you, one day i’m gonna get up and walk away from you. One day i’m not gonna love you anymore. And it’s already hard enough to love you now for all the hell you’ve put me through. You take me for granted, and I hope you hate yourself the day I realize I don’t need you anymore. I deserve better.
I remember a couple nights ago. I sat in the bathroom with a blade pressed up against my throat. I had it against one of the main veins that took the blood to my brain. All I had to do was just press it in a little further and swiftly move my arm to the right so it would slit my throat and I would just bleed to death. But I couldn’t I just let go and broke down to the ground and cried like a baby because I decided I couldn’t leave whatever it is that I don’t even have.
You fucked my shit up so bad.
I meditated today for the first time in six months. I just sat there, stared into blank space, and just thought my life over and everything I was doing. It was terrible. I hate the life I live more than anyone imagines. Nobody knows me. Some people swear they do but not even my bestfriend that I’ve known my whole entire life since coming out of the womb even knows me.
I hate to sit here and just type my thoughts, feelings, and emotions on some pointless blogging site, but it helps so much just to type it all out. I honestly could give less of fuck about who sees this and who claims they “care”. Because nobody really cares. And neither do I. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could ever take the time to drop everything their doing and just here me out and understand and learn from me. I guess that’s the problem. Nobody can just here someone out and say “yeah man, I get where your coming from. I’m here for you no matter what” and actually take something out of it.
I feel so fucked in the head. I feel played. I feel betrayed. I feel depressed. I feel like I don’t have any true friends. I feel like I have nothing. Nothing but emotions and thoughts that drive me to absolutely saying “fuck it” and ending it all. Yeah, I know. I don’t have the balls to kill myself. I’m fucking teenager that has nothing going wrong in his life and has nothing to be suicidal over but I do for some reason I can’t even explain.
nick’s in jail right now. this be kayla :D
Everything I ever believed was just my imagination stimulating my emotions to levels I never should have been on.
How do I get to know somebody that’s anonymous?
And besides I have a pretty radical girlfriend right now, so i’m good(;
But we could still be bros!?
Damn, you’re gorgeous. Wanna make babies, baby?
(That’s my baby) (;
All I think about is killing myself now. I’m depressed but everything in my life is fine. I just wanna die, just for the hell of it.
I really wish I could tell my deeper most inner thoughts to people. But I’m scared i’m gonna get judged or made fun of or be made out to be a freak because you fuckers can’t comprehend on the mental level I can. I swear nobody can.
I want someone to hear me out. Someone who can understand what i’m talking about and actually have a conversation about it instead of switching the subject to some other pointless conversation.
I know what goes on up there. Sometimes you sit down and think if that guy is ever gonna randomly call you one day and ask for you back. You crave that it happens. What scares me is whether your gonna take him back or not when it does.